Twenty Years? Impossible but true ..

My 20th high school reunion is coming up. Quickly ... like 3 weeks from today. To be honest, I do not feel old enough to have been out of high school for 20 years. And I am certain I don't look old enough. (Feel free to give comments supporting that last thought in my comments section!)

I have such mixed emotions about this event. While I am excited to see friends from that period of my life, many of whom I have not seen since we graduated, I am also a bit nervous. Looking back on those years, I remember a girl who was very insecure and often downright mean. She was selfish and could be very manipulative and calculating. She had friends and was in lots of different activities ... but for some reason, she always felt on the outside but desperate to be "in."

So, now I sit here wondering if those events which are indelibly etched in my memory - words I wish I had never said, actions I cringe to recall - are still as real to those who were hurt or impacted by my words and deeds.

A month or so ago I was reconnecting with a former roommate from college on Facebook and made the comment that I felt I owe a blanket apology to all who knew me between the ages of 16 and 23. My kind friend said that most everyone, if they were honest, had a period of life like that and the people who matter most are the ones who will allow you grow through those times and love you just the same.

I suppose preparing for this reunion has been good ... I know I've been more focused on my health (well, my weight anyway! LOL). And the introspection has also been cleansing for me. Realizing who I was is not who I am required to be today is such a relief! I've thought about the lessons I learned in my life and the person I would like for others to see. I realize the past is what shapes us and our response to weak areas in our lives is what leads to change. So, I've given myself a healthy dose of "If only I had..." and decided that, while there are some things I would change if I could, there is nothing I would do differently if it meant I would not have the life I have now.

Life is not about the end ... it's the journey that counts. The people we meet, the places we go, the lives we touch. And my journey has had some rough spots - some because life is just hard and some because I'm a stubborn girl who wants to do it my way - but the vistas I have seen on my journey make the valleys seem small.

So, I'm still going to try to lose that last five pounds and I'm praying that I will have the opportunity to make amends with a few people. But most of all, I am committed to enjoying the journey!

What lessons have you learned along life's journey?
Anything you wish you could "do over"? Why?

Waiting Patiently (or My Argument with God)

Be still in the presence of the LORD,
and wait patiently for him to act...
Psalm 37:7a (NLT)

Waiting. A tough assignment. Perhaps the toughest.

Waiting patiently. PATIENTLY? Really? Seems nigh to impossible sometimes.

Like now.

I love reading the Psalms. Covering the gamut of human emotion and situations, always I find comfort in the words of David and so many others. Knowing that my circumstances and feelings are not unique, that others have faced the same trials and troubles just somehow brings me back to reality. Keeps me from that egotistical idea that what I am facing in this moment is somehow the biggest difficulty ever faced by anyone at anytime in all of history. I need that perspective.

But, right now, the very last word from the Lord that I desired to hear is, "Wait. But don't just tap your foot like you're in a long line at Wal-Mart. Wait patiently."

Can you just hear my argument with the Lord? It generally goes something like this:

Me: Lord, You can't be serious! Wait? Why wait? You see what is happening. You see how it is causing pain and heartache.

God: Yes, I see. I see what you see. But I also see what you cannot see.

Me: Well, could you show me a little of that? Because, God, THIS is too much. THIS is more than I can manage. THIS is overwhelming. THIS is just too hard.

God: (Chuckling) Yes, my dear one, you are right. This is too much for you, more than you can manage, overwhelming to you, and THIS is most assuredly too hard for you.

Me: Are you really laughing at me, God? Because I am serious here. I mean it! I don't know what to do.

God: Oh, my precious child, I am not laughing at you. I am amused that even after all this time of walking with me you still fail to understand that I have never asked you to carry your load alone. I never expect you to bear your burden by yourself. And I have never desired that any situation you face be managed in your strength. My sweet daughter, I am here. Of course you feel overwhelmed and overtaken by this situation. IT IS too much for you. But, child, it is not too much for Me. I have loved walking by your side through all the joys and beauty your life has held thus far. But, know this, it is a greater thrill for me to hold you close during this storm. I take such joy in hiding you while TOGETHER we wait out this storm.

Me: But, God, I don't like the storms. The lightening is so bright and too dangerous. And the thunder scares me ... it's loud and shakes me to the core.

God: I know. But the storms give you something you need. In the lightning that flashes you can learn to see clearly. That brightness CAN be dangerous but it can also protect you. Remember, I am the Light of the World. I do know how the thunder shakes you. But when you are shaking, I am still solid and unmoving. You can trust me. You can wait WITH me. And as we wait together, I will teach you patience.


And so, with more than a little hesitation, I recognize that God is near. Even in the waiting. Maybe especially in the waiting. And as I sit with Him, spend time with Him, learn more about Him, treasure Him, I find that patience comes a little easier, a little more naturally.

And so I wait. Patiently. Even in this current storm, this time of uncertainty and confusion. And I trust that THIS does not overwhelm, surprise, or move my God. I trust Him and I stand on His word:

The LORD saves the godly;
he is their fortress in times of trouble.
The LORD helps them,
rescuing them from the wicked.
He saves them,
and they find shelter in Him.
~ Psalm 37:39 - 40 (NLT)

Letting Go ... of me

Today has been a weird day. Good, for the most part, but weird nonetheless. I have had several moments of self-awareness ... bizarre self-awareness. Like how very competitive I am and how much that must frustrate people around me. And how little patience I have with people. I have always thought I am a "people person" but I think I'm beginning to realize I am not. Probably related to that ridiculously high expectation thing I have ... but, I am noticing that, as a general rule, I don't enjoy being around others for very long. There are exceptions ... of course! And maybe it's just that since Scott has been gone for the last three days my world is completely out of whack. It seems like I have far less desire to deal with "fake" these days. Especially fake in me! I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing how hard it is to "be real." It's scary to be open with myself ... and plus, there is that natural desire for self-preservation ... and so I tend to project an image of who I want to be or who I want people to think I am or something. Unfortunately, I don't even really like that person a lot of the time ... but once she's out there, what can I do? Puzzling, really, how people relate to each other. I wonder if anyone is every REALLY real. And when I am sitting in a room with someone thinking "Do you think I can't see through that?" ... I wonder, are they thinking the same thing about me? So, in the course of all this introspection I read Philippians 4:11 ... "for I have learned to be contentin whatever circumstances I am." Which led to even more self-awareness ... how very discontent I am. Not with the outside of my life ... for I am so very thankful for my husband, my daughter, my friends, my church ... all the stuff everyone else can see is great. It's the inside where I struggle. That knowledge of who I am inside ... my dreams, my desires, my yearnings ... how very immature I am spiritually ... how petty I am most of the time ... how unforgiving I can be ... how selfish ... how mean-spirited ... how very jealous I can be. It hurt! A lot. I guess that's a good thing ... shows that I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit at work in me. But I don't know how to change. I don't know how to become content ... and I am frustrated by that. I like to have guidelines to follow, a specific set of steps to accomplish the task at hand. And, as with all things internal, there is no such list available. It's about faith ... about choice ... about denying myself ... letting the flesh in me die so the spirit can flourish. And then I get scared ... because what if I can't do it. What if it's too hard for me? Of course, Teri Lynne, it IS too hard ... and I can't do it ... only through Christ (Philippians 4:13 reminds me!). So that brings it back full circle ... what do I choose? And HOW does that choice look in my daily life? Lots to consider, lots to ponder, and, most of all ... lots to let go.

Happy New Year!

I cannot believe it is 2009! Scott and I were talking last night about how far away 2010 seemed when the movie "2010" came out. Now, it's next year ... how did that happen? :)

I am looking forward to this year. As I am a goal-setter, I have my list of resolutions set and am excited to see what the year ahead will bring. Among my goals for the coming months is finishing my book. I've been working on "Lessons from the Hundred Acre Wood: Spiritual Truths from Winnie-the-Pooh and Friends" for several years. And this is the year of finishing! Timeline for completion and submission is determined and the immediate task at hand is to finish writing the last three chapters.

I also want to make more time for QUIET in my life. Like so many I stay busy and, while much of what I do is "good" busy, it's busy nonetheless. And I find myself craving silence ... Pslam 46:10 echoes through my soul, "Be still and know that I am God..." I wonder how much of knowning GOD I am missing because of the lack of stillness in my life. So I am scheduling quiet and still into my days. It likely means getting up ealier in the morning but what a beautiful trade-off.

Another one of my resultions is to become more active. My life has become pretty sedentary and I realize the health risks of that ... but also that I am not being a good steward of myself when I am not exercising and taking care of my body. So, along with making several eating changes, I am going to make a commitment to daily exercise of some sort.

My final "resolution" is for my family ... I can't believe Casiday is almost 9. In 10 years, she'll have completed her first semester in college and I feel like the days are rushing by. So, FAMILY NIGHT is a high priority on my weekly agenda. Last year, Scott and I overbooked ourselves and had too many nights each week filled with commitments. The year ahead is going to be family-focused. More time together, making little momentsi into precious memories.

I love January 1 ... every year it is like a blank slate, a do-over opportunity. And this year, I'm grabbing hold. GOD has so richly blessed me ... James 1:17 keeps coming to my mind, over and over, a gentle reminder from the GOD who loves me so that EVERY gift comes from Him. So, for 2009 that's my desire ... to live in the beautiful truth that "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow" (James 1:17, NAS).