Haven't posted in a long time. Not because I had nothing to say (as those who know me well will attest!) but because, I suppose, I haven't felt like sharing much of what has been happening inside me. The past year has been very difficult for me - lots of JUNK at our church, relationship issues with a few people, my insecurities coming to the surface, disappointment with my family, and some deep spiritual struggles. All in all, a lot of pruning on this ol' branch.
But, here I am ... still standing, with the strength of Christ. Still learning, still a little wounded, but most of all - still singing praise!!
The stuff at church is not resolved, some relationships have ended, some are still in question, my insecurities are still there - although not as prominent, family situations have left me with a new set of expectations, and there are some scars from the battles that have not yet begun to fade. LIfe is hard. That's the sum of it. I always thought that the hard part was just about over and that the next part of the journey would be so much easier. What I'm learning is that nothing worth having is ever easy. Not marriage, not parenting, not relationships, not being a disciple, not ministry, nothing. And it is in the struggle that we find out what is worth the tears, worth the sweat, worth the heartache.
My prayer is changing and so is my heart. Instead of longing for what is easy and fulfilling now, I find myself yearning for wisdom to learn, for compassion to serve, and for humility to lean on God every step of the way.
I feel the changes inside of me. A new freedom to lift my hands in worship without wondering what others will think. A new passion for praying for the hurting people I see all around me. A new longing for more of God's Word to penetrate my soul. A new desire to bask in the silence of waiting on the Lord. A new me - a renewed me - a refreshed me. And I know that God is guiding me - gently and not-so-gently. Placing in my heart the desires He has for me - and transforming me into that creation He knew from the beginning of time.
And so I say, to Him, to everyone - "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."