Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Letting Go ... of me

Today has been a weird day. Good, for the most part, but weird nonetheless. I have had several moments of self-awareness ... bizarre self-awareness. Like how very competitive I am and how much that must frustrate people around me. And how little patience I have with people. I have always thought I am a "people person" but I think I'm beginning to realize I am not. Probably related to that ridiculously high expectation thing I have ... but, I am noticing that, as a general rule, I don't enjoy being around others for very long. There are exceptions ... of course! And maybe it's just that since Scott has been gone for the last three days my world is completely out of whack. It seems like I have far less desire to deal with "fake" these days. Especially fake in me! I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing how hard it is to "be real." It's scary to be open with myself ... and plus, there is that natural desire for self-preservation ... and so I tend to project an image of who I want to be or who I want people to think I am or something. Unfortunately, I don't even really like that person a lot of the time ... but once she's out there, what can I do? Puzzling, really, how people relate to each other. I wonder if anyone is every REALLY real. And when I am sitting in a room with someone thinking "Do you think I can't see through that?" ... I wonder, are they thinking the same thing about me? So, in the course of all this introspection I read Philippians 4:11 ... "for I have learned to be contentin whatever circumstances I am." Which led to even more self-awareness ... how very discontent I am. Not with the outside of my life ... for I am so very thankful for my husband, my daughter, my friends, my church ... all the stuff everyone else can see is great. It's the inside where I struggle. That knowledge of who I am inside ... my dreams, my desires, my yearnings ... how very immature I am spiritually ... how petty I am most of the time ... how unforgiving I can be ... how selfish ... how mean-spirited ... how very jealous I can be. It hurt! A lot. I guess that's a good thing ... shows that I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit at work in me. But I don't know how to change. I don't know how to become content ... and I am frustrated by that. I like to have guidelines to follow, a specific set of steps to accomplish the task at hand. And, as with all things internal, there is no such list available. It's about faith ... about choice ... about denying myself ... letting the flesh in me die so the spirit can flourish. And then I get scared ... because what if I can't do it. What if it's too hard for me? Of course, Teri Lynne, it IS too hard ... and I can't do it ... only through Christ (Philippians 4:13 reminds me!). So that brings it back full circle ... what do I choose? And HOW does that choice look in my daily life? Lots to consider, lots to ponder, and, most of all ... lots to let go.

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